Frickin’ Monday

Frickin’ Monday

I’m not normally one of those people who hate Monday, because it’s legit just like any other day, but this Monday was the worst this year.

Why?

People!
Some people are just so bloody rude!

“Oh no, why?”
First of all…

 

Attitude

If you’re gonna be a sassy little bitch, dress the part; don’t be sassy and half arse it because it looks bad on the rest of the sassy bitches who boss it everyday, you little skettyskank.

sass

Try as you might, you’re not sassy, you’re just a basic bitch with a bad attitude.

basic

Secondly…

 

Butting in –

Jigga please, I ain’t speakin’ to you, so mind yo’ own bizzznizzz

 

Thirdly…

 

Rain

I got off the train and the sky was bloody falling! “Why didn’t you check the weather?” AGAIN, MIND YOUR OWN BIZZNIZZ, I AIN’T ASK FO’ YO’ OPINION.

ya

Uni

 

Sweet lord Jesus, today just seemed to drag and drag and drag. I forgot a fork for my lunch, but if I did, I would have stabbed myself in a bid to escape for the day. I’m a princess, I don’t need an education – I’m soon to be the queen, man.

 

That’s my Monday moan over – I’m suitably content.
I purchased a v nice wine from M and S, alongside an array of Percy Pigs, sausages and a lovely salad.

 

Au Revoir, bitches.

 

*May or may not contain metaphors* lol.

I LOVE PIE – Happy national pie day!!

I LOVE PIE – Happy national pie day!!

IT’S National Pie Day today, undeniably the best day of the year thus far.

With this, I decided I’d made a firm favourite to most, a trusty apple pie.

My apple pie, however, differs from the rest.

It’s made with love, care and tenderness, things many seem to lack.

My love for baking forced me to make a beautiful caramel sauce from scratch to coat the skillfully sliced apple that now temporarily resides inside the crisp, buttery pastry.

Bog off Mary Berry, there’s not a soggy bottom in sight!

 

berry-bby

I don’t normally reveal secrets for free, but here,people, is my recipe for my beautiful apple pie.

 

YOU WILL NEED…
A massive pie dish (I’m not the only Lovell who loves pie)
A mixing bowl
An adult if you can’t be trusted on your own
A sharp knife
A rolling pin
A hot oven
A fridge
A stovetop
A pastry brush

 

*Preheat your oven to 180 degrees C, babies *

Caramel sauce 

1 cup of white sugar

1/4 cup of water

6 tablespoons of butter (I used unsalted, but if you’re salty, use salted)

1/2 cup of double cream (Not that gross UHT stuff though)

Pastry

14 Ounces of plain flour

5 Ounces of unsalted butter,

2 Ounces of baking butter.

I find by using a vegetable fat, and the butter, you create a crisper pastry, which works wonders for texture.

 

Filling

1KG of apples, peeled and beautifully sliced.

 

Method

Put the flour into a mixing bowl and add the butter. Before adding the butter it’s worth dicing it to make it easier to mix if you’re not snazzy like me, because I juse throw it in the KitchenAid and get on with my life.

  • Mix until you have what resembles buttery breadcrumbs
  • Add water to form a dough
  • Leave to chill

PLEASE NOTE : DO NOT OVERWORK YOUR DOUGH, UNLESS YOU LIKE EATING LEATHER.

WHILST THE PASTRY IS CHILLIN…

Make your caramel sauce!

  • Put the sugar and water inside a pan, only mix to combine the two ingredients and gently whirl the pan if you need to.
  • cook on a medium heat until the sugary mixture turns a light amber colour
  • turn off the heat, and remove from the heat, and whisk in the butter. Be careful because it can spit, and it’s super hot, so you will get burnt.
  • Whisk in double cream.
  • Leave to cool, brother.

*** Pastry is still chilling, so is the caramel sauce***

  • Peel all yo’ apples.
  • Cut.
  • Once all of the apples are a similar pie sized size, mix them into the caramel.

*** Remove pastry from the chill-zone ***

  • Grease your pie dish
  • Divide your pastry into three… collaborate two of those three, so two thirds are for the base, and one third is for the top.
  • Line the dish with the rolled pastry, chuck in your apples, roll out the remaining pastry, fling it on the top… Bob’s your uncle and fanny is your aunt.
  • Brush with whisked egg, fling on some sugar and BOOM

Pop it in the oven, for about 25 mins, or until it is golden brown.

This is my pie, (looks like shit I know) with caramelised crusts (I added sugar on top of my egg wash)…

img_9603

Let me know how it goes!
Happy baking, and happy National Pie Day!!

Away with you and your resolutions

Away with you and your resolutions

I hate the cliché of clichés.

The biggest being ‘New Year’s Resolutions’.

First of all, in all reality, New Year’s day isn’t actually any different to any other day of the year. The only noticeable differences are…

  • Almost everyone is hungover
  • Staff in stores are angrier than usual.
  • The fear that a restaurant worker might spit in your food is higher because you know how much they don’t want to be serving you today.

 

That aside, one of the major things that annoys me about New Year’s Resolutions is other peoples’ resolutions.

Look pal, I don’t honestly care about your ‘New Year, New Me’ mantra; you’re still going to be a twat no matter how you behave for the first few weeks of the year, and after those first few weeks are done, so is your new attitude, so, next!
Another thing about the New Year that grinds my gears (you’re welcome) is those who take up fitness.

Booking onto my fave spin classes is impossible, finding a free and clean piece of cardio equipment in the gym is like finding a matching pair of socks, and don’t get me starting on finding somewhere to park, because, well…            no.

 

Yes, I understand the importance of fitness, but will people actually keep up with it? Probably not.

Instead of trying to be super good for the first few weeks of the year, be good all year round.

You only get one body, so you should treat it right, the way that I do.

My body is a temple.

16122332_10154365452458721_310657150_o

Again, you’re welcome.

(Yes, I only wrote this so I could post that photo)

 

For the third time,

 

You are welcome.