The day I became a man

The day I became a man

For many men, the day they became men was a milestone to be celebrated.

In Judaism they have a Bar Mitzvah, in ancient Rome, new men assumed the ‘toga virilis'(Toga of Manhood’), and in my life, you just get called ‘sir’ when you wish to purchase a doll for your little friend.

My day started like any other, up at 5.45 to watch Spongebob, play with my dolls and chill out, when I decided just one doll was not enough.

I waited patiently for my mum to arrive home from work so she could chauffer me to my fave toy store, as my Cosy Coupe is no longer road worthy (I haven’t actually been able to fit in it for the past 15 years) but that’s beside the point.

When I arrived at Smyths, I perused the aisles, eyeing up all the bikes, swings and other play things until I found the aisle I was looking for – the doll aisle.

I decided I wanted a Tiny Tears, cos she has hair, and she cries, and wets herself all at the same time!

Once I had selected my doll, I proceeded to the check out…

I decided to queue behind one lady purchasing two items, which took about five minutes because the cashier decided it was an appropriate time to spend approximately 18 million years discussing her personal life over some Hot Wheels, 

So I went over to a man,  I believe he was named Greg.

I said hello, he did too.

I smiled and he said: “Would you like a bag?”

I politely declined.

“Would you like a free catalogue today, sir?”

 sir.

Sir.

SIR?!?!?!!

I am a lady, I protested, whilst still quite clearly offended that I had been called sir.
You find a man who looks like and I’ll eat my hat

fullsizerender

Shit,

 Well it’s a good thing I don’t actually have a hat.

First of all,

 I most certainly do not look like a man today – I was wearing make up for the first time in like 79 years, my nails were glittery and purple, and my legs were clad in tights, and semi-hidden by a skirt, so with this in mind, this rude check out man had the audacity to refer to me as ‘sir’, and then deny it, even though it was clearly audible, and my mother, of whom wasn’t even stood next to me, but near me heard it.

I didn’t even get a sorry!

The worst part about being called ‘sir’ is that just two short hours before, I had waxed my moustache .

giphy

So, the likelihood of me visiting that particular toy store again is slim to none, maybe the day I become a real life sir I will, but for the time being, I think I’ll continue to be a Toys R Us Kid…

Advertisements
Guess who’s back, back again?

Guess who’s back, back again?

After many months of silence, you can now rejoice at my return to the world of the wide web.

“Amber, where ya been?! What you been doin’ gurl?!”

I’ve been relaxin’, eatin,  having a good time

giphy

Jokes, I’ve been working, I’ve been working out and that is about it for my summer.

Over the summer I developed a few bad habits, like exercising and going spinning – I know right, absolutely MENTAL!

I also excelled at my favourite past-time – spending ridiculous amounts of money –

I bought a car ( I don’t even have a driving licence) and a diamond ring, all before noon one Saturday, both of which cost me several thousand pounds… #TreatYoSelf

treat-yo-self

Within the next few weeks I’m due to continue with my journalism degree at Winchester.

I’m not too sure how I feel about this – I think I’ll probably be able to express more about it once I receive my timetable.

However, I do know that I definitely feel more positive about starting university this year, than I did when I had to attend university in Canterbury for the last academic year.

Everything about Winchester just seems so much nicer.

Anyhow,

I must dash, glitter glue awaits me.

 

P.S,

MY BEST FRIEND AVA STARTED SCHOOL THIS WEEK, HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!

 

It’s upgrade time

It’s upgrade time

It’s upgrade time.

Every 24 months most of us upgrade our phones to the newer, bigger and bigger model, and that is what I shall do, except my upgrade is a little smaller than the current model I have.

So

I’ve just finished my second year at Canterbury Christ church university.

I won’t lie, it was kinda challenging, not academically, just morally and creatively, which is hard to admit,coming from someone who is insanely creative – I’m sure you’ve seen what I’ve done with eggs, butter and sugar.

 

My time in Canterbury has come to a premature end because of a wise decision I felt I had to make.

My first year of uni was fab, but the second year was literal torture.

I wasn’t happy at all in my house for the first term, if I wasn’t home in Bournemouth for the weekend, I’d be wishing I was at home, or facetiming my friends and family from the discomfort of my needlessly freezing cold room in the student house I shared (I, a bill payer, wasn’t allowed the central heating on) #guestinmyownhome.

A few short weeks after my 21st birthday I decided I couldn’t actually spend another year in a city I dislike, with people who aren’t so great either therefore, I began my research and found that The University of Winchester offer the same (better) course that I am doing and I began to create my application in secrecy, only confiding in my family and about 4 friends from home because there’s nothing more shameful than being rejected by a university, but thankfully, they accepted me for an interview and I was Amber, and by being Amber I got my unconditional offer to re-do my second year of university.

Undeniably some would say “haha you have to do another year of university”, but that doesn’t phase me – I’m already a year behind from changing sixth form, so what’s another year?
I see it as another year to do better, another year to make more contacts, and another year to decide what journalistic journey I want to travel on.

The odd thing is, I still actually haven’t told any of the people I’m living with 1) that I’m leaving today and should be arriving within the next hour or so

And 2) I won’t be returning to the area – I’m not bothered by either.

 

Not even sorry.

I’ll miss a select few, such as,  Shaniki, BP, Boil & Miranda, #shoutout, and Lily and I’m sure I’ll keep in contact with these cool kids because they’re so nice and kind – they’re real people, you feels me?

It’s okay Amber, I feel you.

My message I’d like to give to some people in Canterbury is – Don’t be banker, even if you don’t like someone, just be the grown up you claim to be, because if you act like a childish cnut, it will only emphasise and show that you are an actual cnut.
All of your actions have consequences and you have no idea of how it’s going to impact someone and their life.
It’s a good thing I’m Amber, because if I wasn’t, God knows what would have happened…

 

You’ll be pleased to know I’ll be blogging about my adventures and my very very wild lifestyle, just not from the grim county of Kent.

 

I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU

LOVELL OUT *DROPS MIC*

Thursdays with Amber, featuring Fi-dates.

Thursdays with Amber, featuring Fi-dates.

It’s Thursday, commonly known as everyone’s favourite day of the week!
I normally feature my favourite person ever, Doreen, yet today we are many miles apart, but a quick Crumpdate for you – Today, Doreen will be working on her law essay, and she threw in a cheeky ‘Spain’ for the blog.

Thanks Doreen, you’re a good sport.

 

Today, I’m joined by FiFi, she’s the coolest person I know. I don’t know if it’s because she’s only two, or related to me, but either ways, she’s so jazzy.

This morning, I visited Avonbourne to speak to the Year 12 pupils about their media case studies, and university courses and life at university. Although it sounds dull, all of those things are important to know!

I’m now home, with Fi, who says “I dat”… You know what Fi? I totally agree with you.

I feel I should set the scene.

Fi is sat across the table from me, wearing a furry Peppa Pig onesie, drinking hot chocolate out of the Peppa Pig mug she requested.
She’s got chocolate biscuits (The good kind) and a Donut, also the good kind, and is watching her favourite show…
When suddenly, she screams… Why?

Her biscuit broke in her hot chocolate – That’s it – She’s had her first taste of disappointment in life.
Fi, life hold plenty more disappointment, just you wait.

11.35AM

Fi is now in bed with her mother, sipping some milk, watching some TV, having some cuddles – Living the life rn.
Doreen’s most said word is ‘Spain’… FiFi says ‘Nooooooo-ey’ or ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!’ even though she agrees, or can hear what you say… Let us see how many times she utters those words this day.IMG_5968.JPG

11.48AM

Cuddles weren’t enough for her – she’s sat on my lap and I’ve been forced to put ‘Elsa ones’ on youtube.. Great.

It’s deadline day. May the odds be ever in your favour.

It’s deadline day. May the odds be ever in your favour.

 

 

I write this to you, even though I should not be writing to you, my audience.

It’s deadline day today and everything is finished, I just have to assemble my screenshots and links and pop some champagne, but other than that, I’m done.

I’m re-reading the brief to make sure I’ve included everything, when I saw this…

“At least THREE tweets, preferably more per story” 

I follow several million news outlets on Twitter, and the same story isn’t ever tweeted more than once… Why?
Because the followers would be annoyed at the constant regurgitation of a story… It will block timelines, ruin lives, and hurt eyes, and I am not about to do that.

What I am about to do is generate some more content, because everyone loves my content, my mum said.

 

argh

THURSDAYS WITH AMBER, FEATURING CRUMPDATES

THURSDAYS WITH AMBER, FEATURING CRUMPDATES

HELLO MY WILD CHILDREN OF THE INTERNET FOREST, IT’S ME, YOUR HOST, AMBER, COMING AT YOU LIVE FROM CANTERBURY, THE HOME OF THE NOTHING TO DO!!!

Today is the last day of term – I’m very excited because that means I get to go home.

I like home.
Home is good.
Home is clean.
Home is fun.

Home is where my best friends are, yeah, they wipe their faces on the shoulders of their tops, eat with their hands and play with toys all day, errday, because that’s the kind of people I chose as my friends, and I like it.

I should also mention that I’m referring to a two-year-old and a four-year-old…

 

ANYWAYS…

SO.
I’m very excited to go home today, so excited that I made a video for you all.

TTYL BBYZ

 

13.57PM

Trying to hoax my Crump into saying Spain – it’s so difficult!

She looks totes cute tho.

14.00PM
Doreen said Spain, twice, because I told her I had closed my laptop… Does she not know that I,  a tech wizard can update my blog from my phone?
Got you this time, Doreen.

 

15.30PM

So, law.

I got 14/20 on the news quiz, but he didn’t even ask for peoples scores this week which was rather depressing.

17.00PM

Went home, to utilise the lavatorial facilities when the ultimate housemate gifted me with orange flavoured jelly beans in the shape of a carrot, a bunny balloon and a lil’ net of chocolate eggs for Easter, because I’m going home tonight!

How cute is she?! Thanks Harriet, you da real MVP.

 

 

18.00PM

I’ve found myself back at the SU, this time for hungry time.
I couldn’t decide what to have, because I’ve been steering clear of all things greasy and processed… SO I had a cheese bacon burger with fries and a side of “I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you, body, I am so,so sorry”, and I washed it down with a fruity cider…

(Sorry Amber)

 

19.30PM
I’m back home again, I suppose I should begin packing to go home, but I really can’t be bothered……………

 

21.09PM

I’m nearly done packing, I’m going to make my room kind of tidy, because our landlord likes to breech the tenancy agreement and enter the property without knocking, or even calling with 24/48hours notice like the agreement states… So, I wouldn’t be surprised if they come round when people have gone home for Easter for a quick snoop, so landlord, if you’re reading this, that’s why I’ve got a rubber rat hanging out from underneath the cabinet beside my bed, you snoops.

 

22.53PM
I’m so tired, but my ride home doesn’t arrive for another hour, so I’m just laying on my bed, eating, relaxing… having a good time..

 

 

 

Thursday with Amber, featuring Crumpdates!

Thursday with Amber, featuring Crumpdates!

 

Hello my wildebeests,

 

I write to you clad in a dinosaur jumper and a denim pinafore, fresh off the runway at Paris Fashion week in Kanye’s prehistoric line.
I don’t get him – He’s released this prehistoric line after his post apocalyptic collection… When I modelled for the last season I felt like I was in The Hunger Games or something!

 

So today, I have a shorthand test.

Meh.

Then I have Law with Leo *Insert Jingle Here*

And after Law with Leo I’m free for the weekend…But during this time I have to cut a radio package, write an essay and be jazzy… I mean… Are there enough hours in the day!? Na.

 

Here’s me looking sultry in a dinosaur outfit – throwing it back to about 8 minutes ago…

 

So… It’s just after 3, (3.20PM)  which means it’s time for Law.

Doreen is dazzling us with her stories.

She’s said ‘Spain’ once since I entered the room, which was approximately 3 minutes ago.

15.41PM

Doreen just gave a futurama analogy.

It fell flat.

But Doreen, if you’re reading this, I got your analogy,I GOT U

15.44PM

Doreen just tried to tell Leo that the deadline has been put back to 2018.

No Doreen… BUT I WISH IT WAS TRUE!

 

15.46PM

Doreen just tried to tackle Leo.

Things are getting crazy.

15.52PM

Leo went to Nando’s the other day.. Such a cheeky Nando’s lad.

He went to see The Revenant with his brother-in-law.

He also embarrassed himself at Nando’s by giving away all the condiments to the waiter ladymanperson… But he got two free bowls of chips, and he likes the beer there, but you know what? He does not get it… “It’s just chicken and chips, init?”.

15.56PM

I see you, Dom, Snapchatting with the drag queen filter.
You are not invisible.

15.57PM

Drag queen filter is back and he is winking at himself.

Ok, Leo.

16.01PM

Leo is informing us of his Oxford interview. So jazzy dude.

16.21PM
I feel it’s worth mentioning, I’m in a caravan receiving this lecture.

16.22PM

I’m kinda sorta rather hungry.

16.23PM

FEEEED MEEEEEEEEE

17.00PM

I miss Doreen.