I am not impressed

I am not impressed

Several days later than normal, John Lewis released their beloved annual Christmas advert.


In previous years we have been gifted with the delights of the Bear and the Hare, the Snowman and The Man on the Moon, however, this year, it’s about a trampoline.


First of all,

I ain’t hatin’,


I love Christmas, I love John Lewis (This date two years ago I was made a Partner), and I thoroughly enjoy trampolines, but personally, this advert has nothing on it’s predecessors.

The video starts with the dog’s head bobbing up and down as the little girl (I’m not entirely sure it’s a girl or not, the hair says yes, but the clothing and the décor in the bedroom is quite masculine…) bounces up and down on her bed * disclaimer * Gender isn’t important, but I don’t know what to refer to the child as, so I’ll call it ‘kid’.

This belongs to John Lewis.


Immediately, I can tell this is setting up what’s going to unfold in the rest of the video, it’s like pathetic fallacy of the gift world – The kid’s going to get that trampoline it so desperately needs, because God knows that you can’t jump up and down on your bed like that because your mum tells you off, and everyone remembers when the monkeys were jumping on the bed and then one fell off and bumped it’s head, and then mummy called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed, and to be frank, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FO’ THAT!

Shortly after, mum puts the kid to bed, and dad begins to build the trampoline, statistically speaking, and once it’s built, and all is still, two foxes creep out of the bushes and begin bouncing, and when they’re having the time of their life, a badger wants to play too (I mean do we even have badgers commonly in the UK?)and then they bounce the night away, and then a bloomin’ hedgehog comes along too!

All the bouncing with the claws, and not a single pull mark on the trampoline – I’m tempted to buy a trampoline from John Lewis and ask my pals Wolverine and Edward Scissorhands do backflips and stuff on the trampoline just to see if it’s really as resistant to claws as it appears!

I don’t feel like there’s a message in this video, I’ve watched it repeatedly, and I honestly find nothing, and the worst thing is, I can’t even feel anything for this advert.

I was expecting something as good as last year, and as great as the Bear and the Hare.

2015’s ‘The Man on the Moon’ was very meaningful as it was affiliated with Age UK as a reminder that there are elderly folk of whom are alone at Christmas.

Undeniably, not every single advert has to tug at heartstrings, make people cry or have a meaning, but Christmas is just so commercial these days that the John Lewis advert is something one can normally rely on to have such a great message and meaning behind it, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.


I’m finding, the anticipation for these adverts is increasing each year because they seem to do something jazzy and spectacular one year, and therefore, they have to keep up with the bars that they keep setting, but to be honest, I don’t think this does.


It’s far from realistic, because when your woofer makes that noise whilst looking out the window, you look too because you’re all like “For fucks sake Simba, I’m watching Hannah Montana, what’s out there?????” and your dad doesn’t build trampolines, that shit is pre-assembled by Santa’s elves and Santa drops it in your garden before he parks on your roof, oh, and lastly, the most unrealistic thing about this, IT NEVER SNOWS ON CHRISTMAS DAY!


Look, John Lewis, I appreciate the fact that you tried, I really do, but I think you need to try again just to please me.



The day I became a man

The day I became a man

For many men, the day they became men was a milestone to be celebrated.

In Judaism they have a Bar Mitzvah, in ancient Rome, new men assumed the ‘toga virilis'(Toga of Manhood’), and in my life, you just get called ‘sir’ when you wish to purchase a doll for your little friend.

My day started like any other, up at 5.45 to watch Spongebob, play with my dolls and chill out, when I decided just one doll was not enough.

I waited patiently for my mum to arrive home from work so she could chauffer me to my fave toy store, as my Cosy Coupe is no longer road worthy (I haven’t actually been able to fit in it for the past 15 years) but that’s beside the point.

When I arrived at Smyths, I perused the aisles, eyeing up all the bikes, swings and other play things until I found the aisle I was looking for – the doll aisle.

I decided I wanted a Tiny Tears, cos she has hair, and she cries, and wets herself all at the same time!

Once I had selected my doll, I proceeded to the check out…

I decided to queue behind one lady purchasing two items, which took about five minutes because the cashier decided it was an appropriate time to spend approximately 18 million years discussing her personal life over some Hot Wheels, 

So I went over to a man,  I believe he was named Greg.

I said hello, he did too.

I smiled and he said: “Would you like a bag?”

I politely declined.

“Would you like a free catalogue today, sir?”




I am a lady, I protested, whilst still quite clearly offended that I had been called sir.
You find a man who looks like and I’ll eat my hat



 Well it’s a good thing I don’t actually have a hat.

First of all,

 I most certainly do not look like a man today – I was wearing make up for the first time in like 79 years, my nails were glittery and purple, and my legs were clad in tights, and semi-hidden by a skirt, so with this in mind, this rude check out man had the audacity to refer to me as ‘sir’, and then deny it, even though it was clearly audible, and my mother, of whom wasn’t even stood next to me, but near me heard it.

I didn’t even get a sorry!

The worst part about being called ‘sir’ is that just two short hours before, I had waxed my moustache .


So, the likelihood of me visiting that particular toy store again is slim to none, maybe the day I become a real life sir I will, but for the time being, I think I’ll continue to be a Toys R Us Kid…

Thursday with Amber, featuring Crumpdates!

Thursday with Amber, featuring Crumpdates!


Hello my wildebeests,


I write to you clad in a dinosaur jumper and a denim pinafore, fresh off the runway at Paris Fashion week in Kanye’s prehistoric line.
I don’t get him – He’s released this prehistoric line after his post apocalyptic collection… When I modelled for the last season I felt like I was in The Hunger Games or something!


So today, I have a shorthand test.


Then I have Law with Leo *Insert Jingle Here*

And after Law with Leo I’m free for the weekend…But during this time I have to cut a radio package, write an essay and be jazzy… I mean… Are there enough hours in the day!? Na.


Here’s me looking sultry in a dinosaur outfit – throwing it back to about 8 minutes ago…


So… It’s just after 3, (3.20PM)  which means it’s time for Law.

Doreen is dazzling us with her stories.

She’s said ‘Spain’ once since I entered the room, which was approximately 3 minutes ago.


Doreen just gave a futurama analogy.

It fell flat.

But Doreen, if you’re reading this, I got your analogy,I GOT U


Doreen just tried to tell Leo that the deadline has been put back to 2018.




Doreen just tried to tackle Leo.

Things are getting crazy.


Leo went to Nando’s the other day.. Such a cheeky Nando’s lad.

He went to see The Revenant with his brother-in-law.

He also embarrassed himself at Nando’s by giving away all the condiments to the waiter ladymanperson… But he got two free bowls of chips, and he likes the beer there, but you know what? He does not get it… “It’s just chicken and chips, init?”.


I see you, Dom, Snapchatting with the drag queen filter.
You are not invisible.


Drag queen filter is back and he is winking at himself.

Ok, Leo.


Leo is informing us of his Oxford interview. So jazzy dude.

I feel it’s worth mentioning, I’m in a caravan receiving this lecture.


I’m kinda sorta rather hungry.




I miss Doreen.